My conflict of the day..

Something I’ve been struggling with for the last few months is how to separate making others happy and making myself happy. This inner conflict has caused me such turmoil and despair because I’ve always been such a people pleaser since I’ve been young. I figured if I didn’t object, no one would have a reason to notice me.

I’ve mentioned before that since starting to work with different doctors and different medications I really don’t feel much fear or anxiety anymore.  I’ve been able to confront others and I finally have the confidence to voice my opinions. There was a time my sister and I were being followed around a store so I turned around and asked if the man had a problem and why he was following us. He had no reply so he walked away and didn’t bother us anymore. That’s something I never would have done before; I would have left the store as fast as I could. There are other times people will be pushy in stores and expect me to move out of their way in an aisle, and I no longer do. I was here first, you can wait you turn.  Of course I’m not rude about it, but I’m not going to stop what I’m doing so you can cut in front of me.

Sometimes I say that I now have zero tolerance for BS, and I stand behind that statement. I don’t let people walk all over me anymore. If I feel like I can’t handle a situation I’ll say it. Sometimes it’s understood by others and other times they feel shorted by my lack of support. Hey, if I feel like I might have a break down and embarrass myself (which has happened on plenty occasions), I’m going to do whatever it takes to ensure that I don’t. I know it sounds like a blasty blast being bat-shit crazy, but I can assure you, it’s not.

With all this in mind, I’m having trouble with going to my friends’ graduation tomorrow. There are quite a few personal feelings and situations that have occurred over the past year and a half with people who will be there that I don’t want to resurface. I’ve spent too many seconds, minutes, hours, days, worrying about different scenarios and confrontations that have happened and may happen again. I don’t know if I can deal with picking those scabs that have crusted over the still opened wounds.

this is how I feel today

It’s just a shitty situation. I can go tonight and tomorrow to support my friends but face the fact that just being there will set back some of the progress I’ve made, or I can refuse to show up and let them down because I’m being 'selfish'. I’m not asking for advice, just sharing different parts of my brain with whoever reads this. It’s still early in the day, who knows what will happen.