Welcome Back

Welcome back. It has been quite a while, about seven months now, since I’ve written to you all. I’ve been trying to jump start my brain over the past weeks, but each time I’ve been stuck staring at a blank screen for so long that giving up was the only option. So since I’m so uninspired, I welcome you all to comment about things I should look into writing about. For now, I’ll finish this post by enlightening everyone about my recent adventures: the good, the bad, and everything in between.

 

In July, I swiped right and ended up connecting with a really good person. She’s a firecracker- for sure- but she brings out the fun in me and I reel her in a bit. We’ve had our ups and downs but she and I found a very happy medium and it works quite well.

August marked a full year from when I had shattered metatarsals from “being cool” on a longboard. My foot still aches with the changes in the weather and it swells when I’m on it for too long, but I’m really glad I have feet. You don’t appreciate your body until part of it gets taken away.

I had my one year anniversary at work in September. Each day is different; I never smell the same thing twice. Just kidding, I probably touch the same catalogue of oils several times a week, everyday coming home with a variance of a familiar aroma that I can’t even detect anymore. On slower days I file and work on regulatory documents and spreadsheets, and on busier days I’m usually sampling, labeling, and shipping different raw materials that filter in and out of the warehouse on a daily basis.

-I’m editing this and I totally forgot that I bought a car. Go me!

In November, I taught myself how to knit again, and then went a step further and learned to crochet from a little book I found at Walmart. I received a tiny knit-a-ninja kit a few years back and figured then was as good a time as any to try to make it work. So I got a few rows done and took them out about four or five times before I was happy with my work, and I finished this little thing in about two hours. See photo:

 

Fast forward to three months later, I have three current projects in the making, and a very tempting yarn addiction.  I started out buying yarn just because I liked it. It became a problem… but now I have assigned all of the skeins to specific projects and I will not buy more until I finish them. Well, that’s the plan…

The months of December and January were pretty mellow. My sister came home from college for winter break. I went to my company’s Christmas party and sat with the president. >

My lady-friend, Susannah, started her adventures in Florida. I bought myself a new big kid bed. I tried and failed at another attempt to keep flowers alive. I caught up on seasons 10-14 of Degrassi (because who DOESN’T need a good dose of Canadian teen drama in their life??). I chopped off my long blonde locks on a whim, donated them and came home with short brunette hair. Why not, aamiiright?  And I think that’s it.

So until next time, I’ll be working on the yarn work projects I’ve started and planning a new adventure for the future (more about that later)

I'm Back!

Always give thought to good advice. Though you may choose to dismiss it, keep in mind that it was given to you for a reason. Maybe your experience has been overcome by someone else. Maybe now is the time to try a new routine. Whatever tribulations you may be facing, consider the words from the ones who love you.

Over the last year I’ve had my ups, but mostly downs. It’s almost impossible to keep sane when you know the day after tomorrow will be just as sucky as yesterday. And today. And tomorrow.  There isn’t a light waiting for you at the end of your continuous meander through the tunnel of darkness, and every step you take adds a load to whatever burden you are already carrying. After having all that weight on your chest you’d think that you might become stronger throughout your journey, but you don’t.

So each moon turns into a sun and back into a moon in one continuous laps of time that really doesn’t seem to mean anything anyway. Daily routines become monotonous and the only escape from the dizzying continuum is the sleep that you may or may not be lucky enough to experience.

I think after all this time I’ve gotten quite good at treading water to keep myself from sinking and I’m pretty proud of that. I’ve tried my hardest to depend only on myself as to not drag others down with me. (That’s what happens when you try to help someone with depression; they are a black hole of nothing and no matter what you do, you’ll always find yourself feeling more and more sucked into their darkness). I hate watching people I love crumble right before my eyes because of me.

But I didn’t start writing again to throw a pity party for myself, expecting you all to arrive and rescue me. I’m writing because I want to formally announce that I’m okay again. And I hope to be okay for a long while. I’ve gotten my closure; the scabs I kept picking are now scars that will soon fade away. I’ve removed all of my timeworn mementos and created a brand new beginning for myself. And since doing so, I’ve found that all I had to do this entire time was to jump. Jump and not look back. So I did. And I’ve landed in something refreshing.

There is a new smile that makes me walk around cheesing like an idiot; a smile that has scars of its own. A smile that mirrors mine. It’s nice to see a reflection that is independent and strong and resolute in its morals and values, even though some are different than mine. I’m anticipating a long labyrinth that will soon become easy to navigate with this smile’s accompaniment

So here’s to that smile; welcome to my normal crazy life. I hope you stay a while

 

Good Bye for a While

I’m writing today to say goodbye for a short while. A lot of ‘things’ have been going on lately. My bipolar cycles were up, and what goes up must come down; the depression is coming down harder than that rain that pummeled the east coast last week. That was some rough stuff.

So I’ve deleted some social media outlets to remove myself from being poisoned by other people’s perceptions and opinions and to take the time to lick my wounds and hope that they will become bright pink scars that I can be proud of one day.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/literally-darling/loving-someone-with-depression_b_4002503.html

I’ve found this article on MSN this morning about how to love someone with depression, and I think it has a lot of credibility. It talks about how terrible it is to be told that things are ok, to cheer up, or to laugh at something funny, when none of that really matters. Depression isn’t sadness; it’s the lack of ability to do literally anything. One time I sat on my floor and cried for an hour because I couldn’t get myself to take a shower. There aren’t any reasons for it happen, it just does, so be normal and let feelings of ability reappear when they are ready.

That being said, I don’t hope for attention from this. These words are just a heads up to why I’ll be missing for a while, as well as a link to an informational link about how to love individuals with depression.

Thanks for your support. I hope to be back soon.

Today's Words

So today I’ve been thinking about the things I’ve learned the hard way; the things nobody told me. Like I always do, I’ve researched a few ideas to get my thoughts straight, and today I’m going to take a few ideas from Alex Noriega, the creator of “Stuff No One Told Me”, as well as some of my own lessons.

One day you’ll miss today. There will be a time that you wish you could go back to a very specific moment of your life. But you can’t, so make the best of every second. When you have a shit day or a nostalgic memory, today might be the day that you’ll call upon to relive. Make today a good day. Attitude is the difference between an avalanche and an adventure.

Fun is a relative concept. Do what makes you happy. Don’t feel pressured to do something you don’t want to do to please other people. If you don’t think that longboarding is fun, don’t do it just because someone wants you to, you might shatter your foot. If you want to read a book inside, read a book inside. If you want to wear a tutu to work, wear a tutu to work! Do things that will make you smile and don’t worry about appeasing anyone but yourself; you’re the only one you have to answer to at night.

Make sure to taste your words before you spit them out. Sticks and stones, right? Wrong. Words probably hurt more than physical pain because you can never unhear them. And writing bitter words is even easier to do because you don’t have to say them face to face. Always think about what you have to say before you say it. Would it hurt you if the roles were reversed? Probably… so keep them private. But on the flip side, always compliment someone if you feel it inside. Everyone likes to feel noticed; you might just make their day a little bit sweeter.

Don’t take anything too seriously, especially yourself. The ones who can laugh at themselves are the ones who love themselves the most. Take time to reminisce on that one time you were caught on camera doing something silly and smile. Everyone makes mistakes. There isn’t a single person who counts every slip-up you have, so relax and enjoy what you do. Let go of hard feelings because time moves too quickly to stay stagnant.

Wishes won’t come true by themselves; make them happen. It would be wonderful if they did, but they don’t, so work hard for what you want out of life. Open your mind to grow new ideas and stretch as far as you can to meet your goals. You get out of life what you put in.

I could go on and tell you about how I have had to learn these things the hard way, but I’d hope you’d rather read this and take something away from it. These are some things that, had I known and taken them seriously, would have landed me in different places than I’m in now. Hindsight is always 20/20. Maybe keep this in mind, and know that these are some of the things that someone DID tell you when you had the chance to listen.

The last day of Pride Month

Since I haven’t written in a while and it’s the last day of Pride , I thought I’d have a little fun by giving you all a sneak peek into my lifestyle. I am going to preface my writing by saying that this post is not fact, nor am I trying to sway anyone’s opinion. This post is for funcicles, so don’t be a hardass and have a nice, hardy chuckle from it.

 I’ve done some research on other blogs to find how other people defined the many labels of lesbianism and this is what I found:

To begin, let us look at the term ‘lesbian’. This refers to a sexual and romantic desire between two female-identifying individuals. She is not always a man-hating, short haircut wearing, feminist, though some have personal views that perceive them as such. She does not have to ‘look gay’ to be a lesbian; if she says she’s gay, she is. She cannot be ‘turned’ straight by a man, nor will she appreciate the offer from you to do so; you will get scolded… or punched in the throat.

‘Dyke’ is another term used to describe a female homosexual individual. This term can be offensive to some, but is usually only used by others within the LGBTQIA community.

          Note: dyke with a ‘y’ is a lesbian. Dike with an ‘i’ is the damming of water.

“Lipstick/Femme” lesbians are individuals who look characteristically feminine and girly. They can prefer makeup and dresses and usually have always perfect medium to long hair. Most of the time they don’t like getting dirty and they always like to get ready before going out.

“Butch” lesbians exude a more masculine persona. She usually has shorter hair and is pretty low maintenance. They like team sports and wear baggier clothing. A ‘butch’ lesbian is what most people associate with the female homosexual individual.

 

 “Soft Butch/ Chapstick” lesbians show some feminine characteristics, but have more of an androgynous appearance. Their hair is typically medium to short in length and is styled into a ‘messy’ look and can usually be spotted in jeans and a plain t-shirt or a button-up and loose tie. 

 

            The term ‘Chapstick’ lesbian was coined by Ellen.

 

“Boi” lesbians have feminine features but have done away with most of their feminine characteristics, leaving them with a boyish appearance. This term is also used to describe a gender-queer individual who presents him/herself as male

“Sporty Dyke” refers to a lesbian who is super into sports, (softball... cough cough..) They almost always have a ponytail, wear school sports teams t-shirts and are very strict about keeping their bodies toned and fit by exercising on a regular basis.

A ‘Baby dyke’ is a lesbian who is young,  or who has recently come out and has many different characteristics between the different types of lesbians, as she is just coming into her own. They are usually identifiable by the excessive amounts of rainbow/pride swag that they display.

 

 Gold Star- Lesbian who has never been with a male -identifying individual

Then there are terms like, ‘L.U.G’ (lesbian until graduation) and ‘hasbian’ which are pretty self-explanatory. Those two groups of women really grind my gears, but that’s a story for another time.

Enjoy 

 

Three Wishes

If you were to be granted three wishes what would you wish for? There are three rules of magic: you can't bring back someone from the dead, you can't change the past, and you can't make someone love you. Those rules suck; they basically say that you can’t fix a broken heart. What good are wishes if you want anything besides materialistic objects? Do quantifiable objects truly make you happy if you don’t have the ones you love to share them with?

So, basically, I’m writing today to answer my own question: If you can't wish it, how do you make someone love you?

The response I received the last time I asked was the most poetic and raw answer I could have asked for. The individual started it plain and simple; if you want someone to fall in love with you, find out what they like. Learn about those things and talk about them, ask questions to look further into their passions and then use those as building blocks. Send them just because texts (like the "old school" notes we passed around in school). Take the time to talk. Talk on the phone, talk in person, just talk. Wish them a good morning or good night. As things get more solid, show a side of you that not very many people see and make sure, even at your busiest moment, there is always at least three seconds to make time for a midafternoon reminder to smile. Go places that mean something to that person, be open to their dreams and aspirations. Make a home cooked meal - especially if you can't cook; it shows you put forth the effort. Always take the opportunity to laugh... Yes, even at your horrible cooking.

Do the little things, because the little things are the big things.

That last line is my favorite. It seems so simple when written in plain text. That being said, thank you, person who enlightened us all, for your words. Now, if I only took this advice myself…

My Identity Crisis of Summer 2013

Since June is Pride Month, I’m going to write about my identity crisis of summer 2013.

There are many ‘types’ or classifications that come to mind when you think of homosexual females, and that’s where my mind dwelled for a while during that summer. The most common classifiers: Dyke, Lipstick, Femme, Butch, have about 20 different subcategories between the four. (Maybe I’ll post about the endless list and definitions of the inbetweeners one day) Lots of people say they don’t want to be labeled, that they love who they love and don’t need a word to describe that. Welp, I like labels. They give me a clear picture of what’s in front of me.

I decided that I identify as Femme, and that’s where my problem began. How the beep am I going to meet someone if I don’t appear a certain way? Lezbehonest here, most lesbians have a telltale sign that you can pick out pretty quickly: clothing choices: baggier jeans or gym pants, plain t-shirts, hooped lip rings or eyebrow piercings, slicked back ponytails or short hair, white watches (that’s a theory of my own. Straight individuals- don’t stop wearing yours in fear of catching the gay). Others are sneaky and can only be identified when you join our secret club (handshake included). It might be the gate of her walk, the style of her not slicked back hair, the choice of accessories like wallets, belts, or shoes; subtle similarities that you can find amongst us that only the trained eye can spot.

And then there are gays like me, who look ‘too straight’. I don’t have piercings other than my ears. I wear only eye makeup regularly. I wear regular work clothes during the day and my ‘never seen yoga’ yoga pants at night or on the weekends. I wear my long hair in either a bun or down and curled. I carry bags and I don’t think I have the lesbian swag that some of us do. So, again, this is where my distinctiveness is hidden.

I’ve heard things like, ‘you’re too pretty to be gay”, ‘you just haven’t found the right guy yet’, and ‘you don’t even look gay, you don’t have to lie about not wanting to go out with me’. Really, though? These make me face-palm. Every. Time. This is why I don’t like going out. I don’t like getting hit on by guys because it’s awkward. I don’t want to waste your time, and I sure as hell don’t want you to waste my time. I don’t like the pretentious asswipes that don’t take no for an answer. I just haven’t found the right guy yet? Maybe you haven’t found the right guy yet... how about that? Oh, you don’t like guys like that? Neither do I, BYEEE. And then I’m a bitch for turning them down, watch out... might get shot for that one of these days.

So, without a blinking light over my body or a tattoo across my forehead, how am I supposed to put myself out there to get noticed by the right people? I can always catfish online, or pick someone up at a gay bar, but is that really where I want to meet someone I might have a future with? After being handed my orientation on a silver platter at an all-girls college, the real world does not make finding someone as easy as it was before. I guess that leaves me waiting for the right time, or whatever. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be.

And that was my identity crisis of last summer.